If you find yourself obsessing over rejection or a one-sided relationship, you’re likely stuck in limerence

If you’ve ever been “madly” in love with someone who doesn’t share the same feelings, you’ve likely experienced the psychological phenomenon known as limerence.

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These one-sided relationships can be damaging to your mental and physical health.

Registered psychotherapist Natacha Duke, MA, RP, explains how limerence unfolds, what causes it and what you can do if it happens to you.

Limerence is an involuntary state of intense obsession, fixation and attachment to another person — also known as a “limerent object” (LO). These intense feelings, which are not returned, often stem from unresolved relationships or unrequited love. Psychologist Dorothy Tennov developed the concept in the late 1970s.

Limerence isn’t an official medical diagnosis. But it may be associated with certain attachment styles, like anxious attachment or avoidant attachment. It’s also comparable to addiction and other compulsive behaviors.

Unlike love, with limerence, you’re consumed by your feelings for another person, whether you like it or not. It’s like an involuntary pull toward someone you can’t have — it’s more than a crush.

“A person in limerence may not want to feel this way,” Duke says. “The LO might not even be their ‘type.’ But something about that person is drawing them in and really triggering them.”

“Individuals with anxious attachment styles and/or low self-esteem may be more prone to experiencing limerence,” says Duke. “Those with ADHD may also be more prone to experiencing limerence, due to a tendency to hyperfocus at times.”

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Limerance does have some overlapping characteristics with addiction. In both, the “happy hormone” dopamine is released when an individual comes in contact with the object of their addiction. This results in your brain experiencing pleasure, and as dopamine is part of your body’s reward system, you continue to seek out that “high.” It’s the ultimate positive reinforcement.

In addition, the neurotransmitter serotonin appears to drop during both limerence and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Although studies have shown the experience of limerence doesn’t fit quite as neatly into the diagnostic criteria needed for OCD, there are some parallels in the way obsession can evolve over time.

Factors that may make you more vulnerable to limerence include:

“We also can’t deny that modern technology can be particularly addictive. It allows you to access a person’s history, see their pictures and know what they’re doing every day,” Duke adds. “Online dating apps and social media profiles make it easy to feel connected to a person that you may not even really know.”

When you’re in limerence, you tend to put all of your time, energy and focus onto the person you long for and the kind of relationship you’re missing. As a result, you might:

Like with lovesickness, you can experience physical symptoms, too, including:

“Just as healthy relationships can look different, the experience of limerence can differ for everyone,” says Duke. “For example, for one person, it may last six months and be moderately intense for one person. While for another, limerence can go on for years and be particularly intense.”

There are various ways to define the cycle of limerence. Most theories revolve around three main stages:

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“The work of being in a healthy relationship with another person can interrupt the fantasy,” notes Duke. “It’s similar to a honeymoon period ending. The relationship may be less exciting, but it’s also more honest and comfortable.”

Limerence can last for a few weeks or a few years — and it can happen just once or multiple times in a single lifetime. But however it starts, limerence eventually ends.

If limerence is making you feel powerless, there are things you can do to move past it and find true love with someone else. Here are a few helpful strategies:

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It can be disheartening to realize you’re in limerence and in love with an idea, not a person. But by leaving that attachment behind, you can create an opportunity to connect and flourish with someone new — if that’s something you want.

And the sooner you strengthen your relationship with yourself, the sooner you’ll be able to build a meaningful connection with someone else. It just takes time, growth and understanding.

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