How do you deal with being disliked? How would you feel, being told that someone found you irritating or unpleasant? Would you crumble? Would it spark an identity crisis? Would you revel in it? Or would you shrug your shoulders and think… meh. In life this is one of the most inevitable, yet painful things for us to handle. The knowledge that we’re simply not everybody’s cup of tea. It feels like a hundred people have recommended this book to me this year (I wonder why lol) and I JUST finished reading it. What a book. What a book! And what a head fcuk. It makes you realise how much we spend of our one short life preoccupied with validation and recognition; desperate to get that badge of approval from strangers and loved ones alike. And for some, that becomes an obsession; often called “people pleasing” – it’s the constant optimisation of your self to appeal to others. And it’s exhausting. Because really, it’s dishonest. As it says in the book: “If one is living in such a way as to satisfy other people’s expectations, and one is entrusting one’s own life to others, that is a way of living in which one is lying to oneself, and continuing that lying to include the people around them.” I’m asked all the time how I deal with getting so much trolling. 🤣 My answer is always “ermmmm, well, it’s not ideal….” But I think I’m increasingly OK with it because I’m pretty sure of who I am, and what I want to achieve, and the value I want to add to society. I think when you’re really set on that, it makes other people’s approval mean less. You don’t need to see people as enemies all the time, but you don’t need them to validate you either. It’s an ongoing challenge! But in the book it says “there is no such thing as a hundred per cent person” – we’re all a WIP, and flawed – but knowing yourself and accepting yourself, flaws and all, is a really nice way to exist. And it takes a bit of courage. There’s elements of the book that are a little brutal, and I don’t know that it quite accounts for neurodiversity, or even the REALLY dark side of humanity, so it’s not for everyone, but as a tough love eye-opener, I’m bloody glad I read it. It may have even changed my life! If you’ve read it too, lemme know what you thought. ******** Image description: the front cover of a book called The Courage to Be Disliked, by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. It has a white background with the title sat within a big red circle.

Absolutely happy now as I have always been with the knowledge people may not like me, I’m still here. A friend advised me to do what serves me. Prior to that I’d been OK with being disliked at school in the late 70s for things like enjoying a band with a female singer. To my time performing and dancing often kicked and physically abused but happy for the reaction. As an art student and artist I revelled in explaining the values of not wanting to have my work liked as far back as 1985, like for like was something I didn’t want bit debate on why was. There is no perfection for me and no everyday a schoolday either, just the knowledge that until we die we need to actively listen. While we also need to actively need to BE our SELF not who we think others want to be. In 2008 I wrote Always be YOU But remember it’s not about YOU

This book is a revelation for people pleasers like myself. It had such a big impact on me I gave copies to my brother and mother. I am on board with 90% of it but there are a few areas I didn’t fully agree with. Nevertheless, it’s an eye opening book that toughens you up (in a good way!) and helped me to make some choices that I knew wouldn’t please some people. But guess what, these decisions worked for me, and not caring what people say about me behind my back has given me a new level of freedom 💯

Sounds interesting. A lot of ADHD people end up being people-pleasers, and horrified by the idea of being hated, despite the fact we sort of walk into it with our often quite strict moral compass (particularly when it comes to people who exploit other people). So I’m curious what you mean about it not always accounting for neurodivergent people. In my own life, becoming disabled is what started to really break it for me. I had been raised to be forgiving when someone has a disability, so I just stopped putting up with it when people treated disabled me badly. Now I’m no longer anything like as disabled (summary: previously severe long covid, now in recovery – not even ME/CFS any longer), but that self-respect has gratefully remained. It’s sort of like I needed to genuinely be very vulnerable to truly understand I was worthy of the same respect I give others. On the other hand, it also made me even kinder to others. I was always kind, but it’s made me more proactive when in public. I guess I’m just more conscious that some people may need help but not ask it. I may also gut more slack in general, but not sure about that.

As loner 🍋 or one happy in their own company it’s actually one thing I’m good with I’m not for everyone (though I will never be deliberately hurtful or nasty to a single living soul) I just get that not everyone is on the same level Certainly understanding more about my ADHD has taught me a lot about myself and why some people might find me annoying like clicking my pen whilst thinking – my old office partner definitely wanted to shove it somewhere the rum doesn’t shine 🤣 Another thing people find odd about me is I like to work in silence (talking to yourself doesn’t count right) so people that talk 24/7 are a bit much for lemon 🤣

How would I deal with finding out someone found me irritating or unpleasant? Crumble and have an identity crisis! Now we all have our enemies in this life, those that don’t like you and you don’t like them, that’s fine. But someone that just doesn’t like you because…they don’t just don’t like you, it’s devastating. And you’ll spend many a night wondering what you could do or stop doing to make them like you. Intellectually you can understand of course, not everyone likes everyone. You don’t even like everyone. But emotionally, you can’t grasp how someone could specifically not like you without a reason. At this point, it’s not about the person, it’s about your sense of your likeability. The problem is the reason they don’t like you is: they just don’t like you. There’s nothing you can do about that. Yet you will ruminate over this problem many times in your head before you have to think about other things. Thankfully you will meet one or two people like this in your lifetime. The human psyche could not handle more than this number of people, it would collapse under the weight of your thoughts. On the flip side, if lots of people find you irritating or unpleasant, the reason is you are doing something wrong.

I’ve just finished this book and I agree entirely. It’s brilliant, a complete Head F*ck and whilst I don’t agree with all elements, I love the focus as you highlight on this – “there is no such thing as a hundred per cent person” – we’re all a WIP and flawed – but knowing yourself and accepting yourself, flaws and all, is a really nice way to exist. And it takes a bit of courage.

I find this topic fascinating because as a neurodiverse person past my awkward junior high years (rough for all!), I just simply have never cared about whether someone liked me unless they were someone I was close to like a friend or partner. I wish I could pass on this “talent” to others. Whether random people like me or not is just not something that takes up brain space for me. As a professional with a career, of course you’re often in situations where it’s optimal for someone to like you (an interview, a client relationship, etc) but it’s not central to my self esteem or worth. No one is everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s fine, as long as we’re being respectful of each other.

I’m fascinated to hear you hadn’t read it 💥 Amy Kean 💥 because I think you embody many of the principles the book espouses. 👏 You’re authentically you and — take this the right way! — don’t appear to give a fcuk about what others think. But I guess sometimes it’s nice to have that reinforced or for someone to explain to us why what we do instinctively makes sense. Agree with you that it’s not necessarily ‘du jour’ when it comes to some of the more nuanced issues, but is powerful and worth reading. When you’re done with that, I recommend, if you’ve not yet read it, James Victore’s Feck Perfuction; different theme but covers similar ground in a complementary way. Actually come to think of it, I recommend it’d whether or not you’ve read it!