The 80/20 principle, also known as the Pareto Principle, suggests that in many areas of life, roughly 80% of effects come from 20% of causes. When it comes to matters of the heart, though, the 80/20 principle highlights a dynamic that is unfortunately found in many relationships. And it’s all about how our perceptions and focus can shift our relationship satisfaction either towards fulfillment or frustration.

The 80% Fulfillment in Healthy Relationships

In a healthy relationship, partners often find that about 80% of their needs are met by their partner. This could include emotional support, shared values, physical affection, and mutual respect. For instance, consider our fictitious couple, Amy and David. They’ve been together for eight years. Amy appreciates how David is always there during tough times, supports her career ambitions, and shares a love for traveling. These attributes constitute the significant slice of her “relationship pie,” and because these needs are fulfilled, she feels content and secure, especially when things are going well in their relationship.

When partners focus on this 80%, the relationship flourishes. They see their partner as a source of comfort and support, which encourages a cycle of appreciation and gratitude. Positive reinforcement makes partners more receptive, leading to a relationship dynamic rich with positive interactions. And satisfaction begets even more satisfaction. It’s the ideal relationship cycle.

The 20% Unmet Needs in Troubled Times

However, all relationships face challenges. When we’re in a down period in our relationships, it isn’t uncommon for partners to start focusing on the 20% of their needs that aren’t being met by their partner. It’s natural, of course. We don’t feel super positive about our partner during these difficult periods in the relationship. Human nature often lends toward focusing on the negative when our thoughts and feelings are negative. So we end up giving an unrealistic amount of weight to the things we want but aren’t getting – things like a lack of spontaneity, differing social interests, or inadequate communication. For example, David might begin to feel frustrated that Amy doesn’t enjoy the activities he likes to do with their friends, or isn’t as expressive about her feelings. When a relationship enters a rocky phase, these unmet needs often get magnified, and we start to question whether our partner continues to be the right person for us.

An individual’s focus shifts towards what they are missing rather than what they have. This isn’t just an emotional dynamic; it’s a cognitive one where negative perception about our partner overrides the positives, leading to disconnection. Left unchecked, this can cause partners to feel undervalued or taken for granted. And if it goes on long enough, one or both partners might become ambivalent about the relationship. Marriage expert Dr. John Gottman calls ambivalence the “marriage killer.”

The 80/20 Principle and the Risk of Affairs

Psychologically, when that 20% becomes our focal point, it can dangerously lead someone to seek fulfillment elsewhere, propelling them towards infidelity. Affairs sometimes happen not because the existing relationship lacks significantly; rather, the small unmet needs gap (the 20%) starts feeling like a wide, uncrossable chasm.

If David starts to feel unappreciated – or even worse, disconnected – at home, the relationship is headed for trouble. Amy may be a fantastic partner in many ways – she’s caring, ambitious, and supportive. But the emotional intimacy that David craves seems elusive. When David meets someone at work who provides the emotional connection he’s missing in his relationship with Amy, that attention from someone else feels extraordinary because it fills that glaring 20%. Remember, because he and Amy are in a down period, he’s super-focused on the 20% of things he sees as unmet needs in his relationship.

Affairs often arise because individuals are tempted by the idea of “having it all.” The problem is, because David is so focused on his 20%, his warped version of “all” can make those unmet needs feel a lot more important than they are. And when someone starts looking like they will meet his needs, the temptation becomes a very real thing. Often, though, the new person lacks the 80%. If David actually makes the move toward this other person, chances are he’ll end up losing what really matters most to him in a partner.

Navigating the 80/20 in Relationships

Understanding the 80-20 principle empowers partners to refocus efforts on maintaining a balanced view of their relationships. Here are some ways couples can navigate these dynamics:

1. Gratitude Journals: Encourage each other to keep a gratitude journal focused on the contributions each makes to the relationship. This builds a narrative focusing on the 80% that is positive and fulfilling.

2. Open Dialogue: Maintain transparent conversations about needs and desires. It also helps to regularly tell your partner the ways they meet your needs and why you appreciate that about them.

3. Satisfy your 20% in other ways: friendships and family relationships, hobbies, and other social activities can often help you meet those needs that don’t get met in your relationship.

Contact PsycWard today for couples counseling or marriage counseling in Naperville, IL. Online and in-person appointments are available.