Parenting
10 Reasons I’m Glad I Didn’t Have Children (and Two Regrets)
The truth about not being a mother is not what I was expecting.

Updated November 14, 2025 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano

Key points It’s not a child’s job to bring love into an otherwise lonely life.
Not all children are charming. Remember that kid in second grade?
You can change a life without having to give birth to one.

I should start by saying that while I have no children of my own, I do have stepchildren who are at that adorable age when they’re both attorneys. They’re so cute at this stage, what with their own homes and retirement-planning.

My stepchildren don’t have kids, either. The hand-knit booties in our family tend to run towards XXL.

As a young woman, oddly enough, I never doubted that I would have children. Women got married, had children, grew old, and then were cheerfully cherished by those children. That was the script I saw played in the domestic theaters, sometimes in real life but mostly on TV, and the one I rehearsed for myself.

The thought of being childfree, childless, of not having children, of not entering any form of legally recognized motherhood was as unimaginable to me as, well, getting an education or having a successful professional life. It simply wasn’t done. How could a woman be happy without a baby? How could she be so selfish?

I never could have pictured it, and yet that’s how my life worked out. People without children can be happier than people with children; people with children don’t like to hear that.

As someone who is now entering the start of life’s final acts, I want to speak about the rarely discussed, shadowy, almost taboo topic of not having kids. Not having children is fine. It’s actually a sort of secret relief.

It’s still daring to admit, however, that my authentic gut feeling when facing my own childlessness is, I got away with it.

Possibly that’s because one of the first questions women my age ask women my age is, “Do you have any children? How many? Grandchildren? How many?” Forget pickleball: In many groups, number of and proximity to progeny is what’s on the scoresheet.

So I thought it was time to make public some observations about parenthood that childless people hesitate to mention because of the histrionically defensive posture instantaneously assumed by those who have made other choices:

1. Having children is like having hostages: Every decision you make is informed by how it will affect the more vulnerable human being who depends entirely on you for safety, health, sustenance, and security. Your children will also probably grow up to want your attention, your encouragement, your attendance at their sporting events, and, eventually, your PIN number.

2. It’s not a child’s job to bring love into an otherwise lonely life.

3. Your children might adore you, respect you, and involve you in their lives. They might also decide that they believed you when you said you gave them a nest and wings, and move 3,000 miles away to eat their own worms. Maybe they’ll text a couple of times a week. You might not be invited to move in with them when Social Security (yours or theirs) kicks in.

4. Remember the old Steve Wright line, “If your motto is ‘if at first you don’t succeed, then try, try again’ then skydiving really isn’t for you”? The same goes for bringing human beings into the world. You might be a terrible parent. Do you really want to just “give it a go” and see what happens?

5. When considering parenthood, if you mostly think about purchasing matching accessories, kissing the child on the forehead as it slips into silent and sweet eight-hour slumber, and/or getting rich by putting the kid’s antics on social media, please reconsider. Is parenting essential to you, or do you like it in the abstract?

6. If people don’t like you now, they won’t like you more once you have a child.

7. A parent’s inability to protect or help a child in pain is at the heart of most tragedies. While joy can be doubled when parents can partake in the successes and fulfillment of their children’s desires, the old shibboleth that parents can only be as happy as their least happy child remains powerful.

8. Not all children are charming. Remember that kid in second grade? What if your kid ends up being that kid?

9. It is legal to watch kids’ movies and television shows even when no children are present. You want to watch Peter Pan? Go ahead. You want to play with Legos? Enjoy. You want an excuse to ride the tea-cups at the fair? Find a therapist.

10. There are children who need adults in their lives, and we can all be part of making their world significantly better without having to give birth to them. It’s very easy to volunteer, tutor, become a mentor, assist at a community support program or shelter, become a Big Brother/Big Sister, or help in other ways. You can change a life without having to give birth to one.

There are, however, two things I regret. Ready? I can’t say, “You couldn’t possibly expect me to go to your Gatsby-themed baby shower since I wouldn’t let anybody throw a baby shower for me!” and I can’t say, with authority, “Just wait until you have kids of your own. Then you’ll understand.”

And that’s okay with me.