Whether you want to get to know your partner better or understand yourself more, there are plenty of good reasons to experiment with kink. Kink can encompass everything from sensory play, to elaborate role play, and mainstream awareness of kink has been increased in recent years thanks to the rise of experimental dating apps like Feeld.
Given its scope of kink, and the niche terminologies associated with it, it can be hard to know where to start. Lola Jean, a dominatrix and sex educator, is here to give you the tips you need before you embark on your kink journey.
A dom and sub relationship is one that engages in a role play power dynamic where one partner is in charge (dominant) and the other being subservient to them (submissive). For couples just getting started with kink, Lola Jean says it’s better to avoid assigning these roles. “It might mean someone might not feel like they’re in a position to give feedback or speak their mind, or maybe the dominant person might feel like they are going to lose their power,” she says.
So when is a good time to try it? Working out your motivation for doing things is important before jumping straight into dom/sub dynamic. “There might be things that you need to unpack that are due to gender bias or societal norms – those are things that take time to unravel,” says Lola. “So it’s never it’s usually never as simple as ‘I want to do this thing because I think it’s hot.’”
Likewise, if you’re wanting to try sado-masochism, for example, we should be trying to interrogate why we want to feel pain, instead of just diving into it. On top of this, “If you’re more into sadism, I would just be cautious of making sure you’re not just doing something for your sake, and you’re finding a fellow masochist who enjoys the things you enjoy.” Working out your intentions will make the whole experience more healthy and positive for you and your partner.
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“Talk about everything that’s going to happen or that the person who’s giving is going to do,” says Lola. “That doesn’t take away from the fun and surprise of it: if anything, it can kind of help the person bottoming [the receiver] to know that it’s not going to go in a weird direction they’re not expecting.”
It’s important to establish communication tools you can use throughout the session – and that doesn’t just have to be a safe word. “Sometimes we’re scared to use a safe word because we think the person is gonna feel upset,” says Lola.
As an alternative, Lola suggests using non-verbal signals that will allow you to be clearer about what you want. “Oh, yes, I like that, keep doing it. You can have a different signal that means, slow down less, or I’m not sure, or check in with me. And you can have another one that means stop,” says Lola. “It’s a lot easier for me to like, pinch my partner on the leg, or tap them twice on their body, or have a squeaky toy go off than saying a word.”
Whether it’s a whip or handcuffs, Lola says it’s not necessary to splash your cash on expensive tools. “You can use your hands, your breath, your mouth, or household objects,” says Lola. “If you want to get a tool, get the shittiest thing and if you break it, then you’ll know that you should invest in a better tool.”
Lola suggests making a “sensations inventory” – in other words, a list of sensation you like. “We tend to have a big fear that BDSM and kink equals pain,” says Lola. “Tell the bottom [the person in the receiving role] my intention is to only make you feel good or pleasurable. What that is is specific to the person. Maybe pain is pleasurable to that person, maybe something else is.”
If you want to experiment with sensory deprivation, Lola suggests adding a blindfold. Some of the most effective objects in sensation play can be some of the most simple. “I often say the most powerful tool you can use in sensation play is a feather.”
Tell your partner what sensations you like and don’t like during the session – whether that’s verbally or non-verbally, advises Lola. “[The giver should] want to learn what sensations feel good to you instead of just assuming,” she says.
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When it comes to impact play, there are two types of sensations people will be drawn to: ‘thuddy’ or ‘stingy’. Thuddy feels heavier when it hits you, but is not that painful. Stingy, on the other hand, is something that is going to last a bit longer, and is going to be more painful. There are tools we can use to achieve this, although tools have a higher-degree of difficulty, Lola points out, so it might be worth experimenting with your hands first. “The base of our hand is going to give more thuddy, while our fingertips are gonna give more stingy,” she says.
“It’s really important to practise this on yourself before you hit your person, so you know what this feels like,” says Lola. “Also, educate yourself: there are places that you shouldn’t be hitting, and you don’t have to hit as hard as possible – that’s not necessarily what it’s about.” She says that warm-ups are also really important, and learning about blood flow, as this can prevent cramping and injury.
Aftercare – a post-play check in between partners – can help people to ease the mixed emotions that we might experience after a session. As Lola points out, it’s a good idea to know what your partner’s expectations for aftercare are, and whether you’re able to give that to them.
“I do encourage people to have their own self aftercare process in the event that someone else can’t give you the aftercare that you need,” says Lola. “That could be something you do for yourself, or something you do with friends. I like going to parties with friends because they’re my aftercare.”